I'm not surprised though. Everyone dies at some point. Our life expectancies are rather lower for being in this mess.
Anyway, like I said (or implied), Konaa found me and drew me out of hiding. I've been on the run for the past year, sorry I haven't been in touch. Lovely to find only half of you dead upon my return.
Today I had the worst compulsions since... well, let's not talk about the last time it happened. Maybe I ought to explain what that means first.
From time to time, I get the urge - no, the need - to draw. I don't have any control over the subject matter, but if I resist it, my hands start shaking and I start scratching at my arms. The longer that goes on, the more likely I get some new emo scars, whoo.
You may wonder why I resist it at all if there are such negative consequences for putting it off, but (you'll notice I skipped over what the subject matter is, I'll get to that later) I hate complying with His demands. Resisting, even if it's just for a little while, seems like the only control I have over this shit anymore, and I'm not about to bow low and become his personal slave. That'd make me no better than some fucking proxy.
I could be in denial though. I must be fooling myself if I think that my condition isn't helping his Cause in some significant way. M, for example, he spreads the belief that operator symbols mean safety and getting up high can help you stay safe. In my personal opinion, this is bullshit, and He's keeping M alive because his continued survival is a testament that these stupid things provide safety. I don't believe in that word anymore. Safe, I mean. I used to be all about safety; "be safe," "stay safe," except there is no safe, there is no refuge, you are in constant danger.
But what about my condition, what could drawing all my friends dead possibly help? Loss of morale, sure, but morale isn't the only thing keeping you Runners alive. He could take you at any moment and I've seen it happen.
That seems like an odd thing to claim when I still haven't been shown evidence that this isn't just all in my head, that it's not just some phenomenon that I've been putting the wrong name to. Or rather, to be clear, I haven't seen TPF in the flesh. Yet.
I haven't slept. Dreams are always worse after the compulsions come.