Aug 2, 2011

Recent events

So... looks like I wasn't too far off. The good news is, Genevieve and Chester are out of this, if all went as planned. M's still going - you brave kid. But Fizzy's dead. Zero(Sage)'s dead. Reach is dead. Robert(Guardian)'s dead. Jean, I don't know what's going on but I hope you're safe, wherever you are.

I'm not surprised though. Everyone dies at some point. Our life expectancies are rather lower for being in this mess.

Anyway, like I said (or implied), Konaa found me and drew me out of hiding. I've been on the run for the past year, sorry I haven't been in touch. Lovely to find only half of you dead upon my return.

Today I had the worst compulsions since... well, let's not talk about the last time it happened. Maybe I ought to explain what that means first.

From time to time, I get the urge - no, the need - to draw. I don't have any control over the subject matter, but if I resist it, my hands start shaking and I start scratching at my arms. The longer that goes on, the more likely I get some new emo scars, whoo.

You may wonder why I resist it at all if there are such negative consequences for putting it off, but (you'll notice I skipped over what the subject matter is, I'll get to that later) I hate complying with His demands. Resisting, even if it's just for a little while, seems like the only control I have over this shit anymore, and I'm not about to bow low and become his personal slave. That'd make me no better than some fucking proxy.

I could be in denial though. I must be fooling myself if I think that my condition isn't helping his Cause in some significant way. M, for example, he spreads the belief that operator symbols mean safety and getting up high can help you stay safe. In my personal opinion, this is bullshit, and He's keeping M alive because his continued survival is a testament that these stupid things provide safety. I don't believe in that word anymore. Safe, I mean. I used to be all about safety; "be safe," "stay safe," except there is no safe, there is no refuge, you are in constant danger.

But what about my condition, what could drawing all my friends dead possibly help? Loss of morale, sure, but morale isn't the only thing keeping you Runners alive. He could take you at any moment and I've seen it happen.

That seems like an odd thing to claim when I still haven't been shown evidence that this isn't just all in my head, that it's not just some phenomenon that I've been putting the wrong name to. Or rather, to be clear, I haven't seen TPF in the flesh. Yet.

I haven't slept. Dreams are always worse after the compulsions come.


  1. Have you experienced, loss of memory yet? (better say, notion of time)

    Maybe I should not ask but, could you describe this dreams?

    Just an advice, you should try lucid dreaming. once you gain control over it, It will be weaker at your head. (I feel stupid by saying this, since I force myself to do not do it..)

  2. The Mad Ventriloquist is glad to meet H64. She seem nice, if very sad. He understands what it's like to lose friends. He also understands what it's like to know about the slender man but never see him. The Mad Ventriloquist has the same issue. Of course, he doesn't really want to see him, but it is a very strange place to be.

    The Mad Ventriloquist thinks H64 should be careful about these drawings, though she seems to know that. He has never been worried about drawings before. They never seem that bad to him, but that might be because a lot of drawings are rainbows and ponies and landscapes and stuff. Those are not these drawings and he is sorry that H64 has a compulsion to draw them. Actually, maybe she should start drawing ponies? That might help. Somehow.

  3. @Keiken: They're basically what I draw, but worse, if that makes sense? I need to get to a library so I can scan some of these... Also, lucid dreaming has never worked for me, unfortunately.

    @TMV: Trust me, these drawings are far from "rainbows and ponies and landscapes and stuff."
    I can choose what I draw on my own time, though, but the blisters hurt, so I'm not gonna.

  4. Dammit H, you will sleep if I have to knock you out to achieve that. Sleep is important, even if you get wacked out dreams.

    Sorry about yesterday, by the way. I think the Big Man still can't see me, though, which is why he's sending his little minions after us instead of coming to finish me off himself.

  5. You'll do no such thing. You're too nice for that.

    Oh, your Hiding thing again. I wouldn't put too much faith in it... the more you rely on it the more likely your powers are gonna be taken away.
    It's... fine, you've apologized enough, and besides, you're the one with the wounds.

  6. Oh sweetheart.

    Try not to hurt yourself.

    If you want pain that badly, there's a certain someone who I'm sure would be more than willing.


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  8. Hey, bastard. You sure seem to want some pain for yourself, talking to her like that. I'm sure we can work something out.

    Lay one finger on her and I will make you wish I'd killed you.

  9. Wait what huh?
    I did not say I wanted pain I'm just
    augh the alternative is
    no no no that was not my intention you must have misread

    and don't be trying to pick a fight, Konaa, if you'll remember we're trying to lay low!

  10. Yeah Konaa, she is just a confused proxy. At least nothing to worry now.. ...maybe later from what I'm reading about her, but not now XD..

  11. I never meant me. We just all seem to forget the danger we're in a little too easily.

    Is scratching at her arms really going to help her survive?

  12. And Konaa, it's bitch, not bastard. Remember that you're talking to a lady...


  13. It's not going to help me survive, no, but at least the thought that I'm resisting, at least a little...